With apologies to David Letterman, here's my list of top 10 things you should not put in a resume (in bold), followed by possible responses from employers – well, more likely kept to themselves:

1) Took time management seminar
Response: "Did you have a problem managing your time? You won't here."

2) Organized office football pool for 5 years
Response: "Hmmm, last I checked, that wasn't in the job description."

3) References available upon request
Response: "Thanks. If we're interested, we'll ask for them."

4) Email: ilikesbeer@address.com
Response: "Thank you for sharing. Circular file!"

5) Saved company money
Response: "Well, that's nice. But how much?"

6) Didn't work for six months due to medical condition
Response: "Legally, I can't ask about this, but since you volunteered this information, I'm off the hook."

7) Thirty years with just one company
Response: "So, why do you want to make a change now?"

8) OBJECTIVE: Accounting position
Response: I like reading resumes as much as I like doing my taxes, so make it easier on me and give me more information.

9) Was president of college fraternity
Response: "Wonder if he knows the `ilikesbeer' guy?"

10) Verry detail-focussed
Response: "Yeah right! ‘Nuff said."

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